Things I've Done to Get My Kids to Sleep That Don't Work

It's been a while since I've had a sleep-related post. Lest you think my sunny disposition means I'm getting 8 uninterrupted hours of slumber a night, or even 5 or 6 uninterrupted hours let me share with you some of my techniques that don't work.

* Let them fall asleep in my bed and then prop pillows around them and hope they don't roll off (they do).

* Replace pacifiers no fewer than 75 dozen times throughout the night.

* Put 2 dozen pacifiers in the crib so that they can replace them on their own and learn independence (they don't).

* Put the nicest stereo equipment in the house in their room and buy beautiful, soothing lullaby music.

* Rock them to a deep slumber, slide then into the bed and slither out of the room on my belly.

* Same thing, only tip toe and swing from the door frame to avoid the squeaky floors.

* Bring them into bed with me and then return them screaming two hours later after being hit, punched, slapped and kneed by wayward limbs.

* Swear.

* Give them tylenol.

* Shut the door and wear earplugs.

* And, my all time favorite, climb into the crib with them. (This one sort of works but feels humiliating and isn't good for the back.)