Grump-a-saurus

I've spent a better part of the day identifying various dinosaurs in our new 600 sticker book. Most end with 'aurus' and are barely pronounceable. It seems fitting given that I'm a big grump-a-saurus right now. Can't shake the crabbies. I had high hopes of starting 2008 with some great new plans, including:

1. Running 3 times a week for 10 minutes, increasing the time by 5 minutes each month. Modest goals are the key to success.
2. Planning a date-night per month with my spouse. Again, modest goals.
3. Giving Ian a good infant massage 3 times per week.
4. Really engaging Graeme. I think I do a pretty good job of engaging him as it is, but I would like to pay closer attention to what he really likes and dislikes.

And then there were the "if I get to them" kinds of things like:

5. Figuring out how to get out of my job-rut. I love the job, I think. It's the "I think" qualifier that needs exploration.
6. Taking Graeme skiing.
7. Finding my ab muscles.
8. Writing a good article not related to economics. (Not that I write good economics articles. I've wanted to explore creative writing. This blog is supposed to be an attempt to get the juices flowing, but it's turned into more of a Kelly bitch session.)
9. Getting Graeme to eat more than cereal, turkey meatballs, and PB&J.
10. Letting go of stale friendships and nurturing some new ones.

But, instead of jumping into 2008 with enthusiasm, I've been slapped in the side of the head with "you're a control freak" a few too many times lately. I know this. I work on it. I try to keep it in check. I think about it. I work on it some more. But, apparently not enough. So, I'm in a funk. I don't want to make life miserable for those around me. But, directing the show is part of who I am. The past few days I've done nothing. Kitchen is a mess. We don't have any food in the house. Meals are a fend-for-yourself affair (except for the kids, of course). Toys are everywhere. Bills sit unpaid. Mail is tossed if it looks uninteresting. I barely answer emails and delete without a care. Pretty daring of me, eh? In some ways it's been kind of liberating. I don't want to be a control freak, but I don't really know how to selectively uncontrol. So, I've just stopped controlling everything. I have done some deep cleaning in Graeme's room, the linen closet, bathroom and hall closet. I guess this is my way of having control in ways that aren't harmful to anyone around me. I really don't like this self, but I don't really know how to put the old self back in a way that doesn't piss off those in my life.

So, I've tossed #1-10 above and replaced it with nothing, sort-of. I have run the past two days, spent some great time with Graeme and given Ian a massage. Perhaps this is where I should focus my efforts. And, please find me that sticker with "controlalopholus" on it. I know exactly where to find the dinosaur.