Searching for Help

We were up no fewer than 6 times last night between the boys, including twice with Graeme screaming and throwing things around his room. At one point he was kicking me and trying to push his furniture over. This does not seem normal to me. He can't be happy. We struggled through the morning with him and while I was feeding Ian at 7:30 I decided to just call the pediatrician. I'll admit to being close to tears. They had an appointment with our primary guy at 11 so I took the boys to school, came home to do some work so that I can get paid at my day job and while it's great that I have some flexibility I also was given a new, not-so-fun assignment because I'm told that my current "time allocation" allows for it even though I hit the ground running when I get to the office and don't stop until the very last minute and even then I can't get all the work done but who cares since the environment isn't really all that important right now, but this post isn't about my job now is it? I was able to talk to the doctor without G present (he played with the nurse). I felt like a crazy mom who just can't control her son, but I figured that if that's what I am then I might as well put it out there and get some help. He examined G, who I'm pretty sure has a sinus infection, but the doc said it's just a cold. And, then I talked to the doc some more. He tested G for diabetes (doesn't have it) and we talked about bi-polar disorder (pretty sure he doesn't have it because he's able to "contain" his fits to home). So, we talked about him just being a "difficult child." He gave me a book to read, with the creative title of The Difficult Child and told me to find a psychologist who can help us with some strategies for dealing with him. I sent him a list of psychologists who will take our insurance and he's supposed to get back to me with some recommendations. This all feels so damn crazy and I have to wonder if it's because we don't get any fucking sleep, which you'll notice is happening right now. Ian has decided that he just wants to be up at 4AM today. Graeme knows I'm having a hard time with him. I can see it in his eyes. The last thing in the world I want to do is let him down, but there are lots of times where I just don't have the reserves to handle uncontrollable yelling, kicking, pushing, shoving and I just get mad, mad, mad at him for making this so difficult. But, he's also teaching me more about myself than I've learned in my 39 years and I'm just hoping and praying that we all pop out of this experience as better people. That's my job, right? And, probably a lot more important for the planet than the stupid assignment I just received.